Week 3: Reginald's Recognition...Mid-Life Crisis Movie Month...Ted Nugent and Massacre Mania

JN: Well, all things move forward. Snail's pace or so it seems. More itchy this week, but nothing intolerable. Hell, nothing even that worth note. Still got some zits poking through, though they are now buried and surrounded by little fuzzies that just make them look like part of some nasty garden. Does that make the zits lawn gnomes? Yeah, I don't think so either. Reginald has gotten some notice from people both in the workplace and in those other places I go when I'm not at work or home. There are many of them. Just cause I'm not naming them now doesn't mean they don't exist. YOU'RE in denial! It's more of a neck beard now than anything, which is a bit uneven and not very pleasing to the eye, but this is all part of the process. Anyway, it's good just to see some continued thickening on my face, but his growth is still too tame to be considered a true beard. All things with time, but I grow impatient. Bottom line: Whatever. I ain't there yet. But baby, I'm bookin!

From the desk of Jeff Newman:


January is already halfway done! If only the same could be said for winter. It's fucking cold with no end in sight, and to be perfectly honest- I'm pretty cool with it. Ha. You see what I did there? But for realsies. As long as you layer up, and acknowledge that freezing to death takes way more time and inaction than are likely while on your way to work or the bar or wherever, I think the winter in Chicago is totally tolerable. Plus, we have all these January blockbuster releases that weren't good enough to be seen over Christmas. For some reason, and I have no idea what that reason could be, this month will be marked with a myriad of mid-life crisis movies from some of our most celebrated and beloved action stars, all of which have passed recently (or not so recently) into their fifties and sixties. Too old to play tackle football, but not too old to have an axe fight or crash through a glass window. This month, the lucky American movie goers will have the pleasure of choosing to go see Jack Reacher starring Tom Cruise (50 years old). He plays a military cop who only goes after TRAINED KILLERS. YEAH!!! Or if you'd rather watch something with a bit more heart, grab a BlueRay of Liam Neeson's (60 years old) latest flick in which his family is Taken: 2. Or: again. Or: whatever. Once again Liam will beat the bloody pulp out of an endless grab-bag of dirty Europeans who have the audacity to try and kidnap an innocent American girl while she's on vacation. The fact that he himself is Irish does not seem to confuse anyone in the audience nearly as much as it confuses me. It made more sense when he was fighting wolves. Keep your eyes peeled for Bullet To The Head. In which Sylvester Stallone (66 years old) plays a hit man (the best in the business- mind you) who teams up with a police detective to find and kill the men who have kidnapped his daughter. This is of course totally different from Taken. There's an Asian guy in this one. See? If your depends undergarments aren't moist with anticipation quite yet, get ready for the crown jewel in this gratuitous array of self denial: The Last Stand starring none other than the Gove-Nator himself, Ahhnold Schwarzenegger (65 years old)! He plays a small border-town sheriff who must stop a violent madman and his small army of very well-armed cronies before he can escape into Mexico with the assistance of a rag-tag group of his friends and neighbors who had nothing better to do that weekend.

Mankind has long had an obsession with aging and death, most likely because it is the one thing we all share. It is definite, it is inescapable, and the reality can be a very lengthy and painful process. Thank God our action stars are willing to show their own difficulty and plight with these wonderful human interest stories about the aging process. With explosions. And guns. And hot chicks. Yeah. While this is nothing new for Stallone and Ahhnold who have always been action stars, it seems more a culmination for Cruise and Neeson who until recently could actually be considered actors. They have over the last several years made what seems to be a deliberate transition from actor and artist to celebrity and action star. They're actually pretty damn good at it too. But I am saddened to think of how few young action stars we have picking up the legacy. Jason Statham is the only one who comes to mind, and he's not far behind his more senior brethren (45 years old). Pretty soon, he'll have nobody to play golf with as I do not believe wheelchairs are allowed on most modern courses. But we can all look forward to the 2020 release of The Expendables: 3. In which Ahhnold and Stallone will have to team up to defend their nursing home from Iranian terrorists. That actually sounds like a cool flick. -JN    

From the desk of Reginald Buford Brimley:

Another fascinating week for the human race. They're all fascinating in one way or another. Even a leisurely study of human history and evolution will have massive highlights of mankind's ability to destroy each other in new and powerful ways. These new and improved methods for killing each other often increase "collateral damage" as well. This is a strange human term, which I believe means: PEOPLE WE DON'T MEAN TO KILL, BUT DON'T MIND KILLING.    
As the technological applications for murder increase, so too does a passionate, I'll be it irrational sense of entitlement to possess these new powerful weapons even if there is no logical reason for having them.With this sense of entitlement also comes fear. Fear is one of the strangest and most wondrous of human emotions. Fear brings energy to the exhausted. It brings hate and suspicion without cause. It allows indifference in the face of flagrant abuse. Fear is at the root of many, though not all of mankind's more deplorable and senseless actions.

On December 14th, a man named Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut and killed twenty school children and six staff members before taking his own life with a Bushmaster XM15 rifle. This is a weapon manufactured in the US, and used by military and police organizations in over sixty different nations on the planet. It is only legal in the United States market for civilians to purchase the semi-automatic version of this weapon, but military and police are allowed to purchase the fully automatic models. Soon after this terribly sad day, there began as always does after such a tragedy, a very loud and very predictable debate. It is an argument that quickly took center stage and dominated most forms of American media outlets. Questions that have been asked a hundred thousand times before, though have never found their way to satisfactory answers.
Is it too easy to get a gun?
Should it be harder to get a gun?
Do humans as a race have too strong an umbilicus to deadly weapons?
Is there a middle ground to be attained, ensuring that people on both sides of the argument feel safe? Should more weapons be made completely illegal?
Are people willing to sacrifice a few more freedoms to feel more secure as a community? (In this case, the freedom to own and operate a weapon capable of firing 700-950 rounds a minute.)

Of course, many voices came to the television cameras, microphone adorned podiums, and elaborate news desks. Everyone had an opinion, even if that opinion was something as obvious and useless as, "Something needs to change!" But the one thing that all these voices seem to have in common is fear. The fear of the citizen who worries that he is losing all rights and means to defend himself. The fear of a teacher knowing that they may one day have to face yet another senseless massacre. The fear of the patriot who feels their sense of order and liberty eroding away. The fear of a leader who can sense his nation slipping slowly into chaos. The fear of a parent who can only see all the birthday parties they'll never get to plan.
The common thread between them all is fear. Sometimes this fear is coupled with anger. Sometimes with sorrow. Sometimes desperation. But these voices are always rooted in fear. While this fear is perfectly understandable given the circumstances, it is also wholly illogical and unhelpful. It actually hurts the larger common goal in as much as it destroys the ability for any two people on opposing sides of the debate to regard one another with calm understanding and respect. If humans hope to come out the other end of this tragedy with a new sense of security and trust in themselves and their community, they certainly have their work cut out for them. As the saying goes, the cards are rather stacked against them.


It is also worth noting the connection humans seem to have between guns, fear, danger, and sex. This connection has been well documented and established throughout human history, and is evident in almost every facet of human culture. Even most guns resemble the male sexual organ. It is easy enough for even a child to observe the great pleasure derived from the typical human male as holds this large cylindrical object in his hands, and applies the necessary stimulation to make it explode with force and power. It seems quite obvious and straight forward. Furthermore, there seems to be a whole industry of pornography which appeals to this connection. Countless photos and videos can be found on the internet which seem to both glorify and degrade nearly nude human women holding very large guns. This is an inescapable truth about the relationship between humans, sex, and instruments that kill. It is a relationship that is exciting, addictive, and which robs people their reason, making them incredibly stubborn and volatile.

Now, the American gun lobby seems to have elected, or more likely just condoned as their chief spokesman renowned rock musician and safari hat enthusiast Ted Nugent. Besides having a slightly douchey and completely oppressive "soul patch" I believe it is called, this man seems to be more than a little unbalanced. He describes himself as radical, and a "Damn Nice Guy!" Though he can't seem to get through a simple interview without screaming about his charity work with terminally ill children, and challenging the interviewer to find someone who has given more time to them. In recent months, he's been on every available media outlet from Glenn Beck's television and radio shows to CBS and even CNN to denounce any threat or hint of stricter gun laws. His comments grew so inflammatory and accusatory towards the US president, Barack Obama that the Secret Service felt it necessary to interview him as well. What is most perplexing about this whole situation is the complete absence of any gun lobbyist or official from the National Rifle Association to distance themselves from this man and make it clear that he does not speak for them.

As is true with every compelling human drama, this one is timeless, touching, sad, and doomed. People do not have a history that embraces drastic change in any form. When the dust settles on this tragic debacle, some status quo will prevail as always does. I imagine things will not be much different. People will go to work. They will drive their cars. They will watch the Super Bowl. They will drink beer, eat meat, and swear profusely. They will pat themselves on the back for maintaining unity through this crisis. Some will complain that whatever miniscule steps have been taken go too far, and others will sigh with smug satisfaction because they were a part of the solution. But perhaps progress has in fact been made. Shortly after this tragic massacre, the US president Barack Obama gave an address sighting the fact that shootings like this occur every year. And that one way or another, the nation can do better. His advice was not to go shopping. -RBB